Cats Do Control Humans, Study Finds
Manipulative little bastards, sure…. But how could anyone say no to this face?
July 9, 2009
I’m still pissed this didn’t make “Best of Craigslist”
The following is an actual Craigslist ad that I placed last summer, when I went kind of loony tunes for a hot minute and decided to chuck and replace pretty much every single one of my worldly possessions (but, um, that’s a different story for different time…) In terms of it’s ultimate purpose, the ad was met with only mild success (odd, I know, since I did make everything sound so wildly appealing) but was, however, lovingly embraced by the Craigslist community….albeit, not enough to make “Best Of.” Seriously, who do I have to hump around here to make that damn list??
But I digress….
“Abused and Neglected Furniture—Free to a good home!
Come and get take these items away from me before I subject them to more cruelty!
–Full/Queen adjustable black wrought-iron bed (headboard, footboard and frame) which bears the scars of frequent, pernicious scrubbing
–Full size box spring–netting on the underside destroyed by my adorably evil feline minions
–Ikea desk–oak veneer–drawer came off runner, mostly because the ex-boyfriend who put it together was a total loser and refused to read the directions
–Ikea “Lack” coffee table–beech veneer–one “loose” leg–(FYI, not to be sat upon by any person weighing more than 120lbs)
–Ikea brown and beige rug, aprox. 4′x6′. Who knows, YOU may really like the way it smells!
–Black floor lamp with ugly faux stained glass shade and an extremely stubborn genie….
–Blue Graco Pack N Play that apparently wasn’t good enough for my sister’s baby
–Assorted, loathed doohickies
Any and all items MUST be picked up by Sunday, which is when I plan to set them all ablaze and dance naked around them.
Call 203-***-**** for more information.”
July 9, 2009
Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris was really all that tough, why the heck would he go on TV and peddle a crappy piece of home gym equipment?
Personally, I think tough guys should only work out in moldy basements, doing chin ups from a heating pipe and chest presses on a rickety bench using roughly hewn hunks of steel.
July 9, 2009
A Few Thoughts on the E.P.T.
….You know, the Early Pregnancy Test? The one that gives you the results 5 days sooner? Well, when I first heard of this astounding breakthrough in medical science, I thought, “Fan-fucking-tastic!” Because I am totally the kind of chick those tests were made for– I can’t even wait for a full-sized bag of microwavable Orville Redenbacher’s to pop itself into fruition. But then I started thinking… this whole thing could totally backfire on you. I mean, what if you get the result you don’t want? Personally, I’d want my 5 days of blissful ignorance back. And anyway, why are we encouraging this kind of hastiness at any stage of our reproductive cycle? Honestly, if I could stand to wait those 5 extra days, I probably wouldn’t need the stupid pregnancy test in the first place.
What they really need to invent is a test that lets you know 5 days before you’re actually going to do something stupid to get yourself knocked up.
*Ring Ring*
“Well, hey there, Billy Joe….mmhhmmm….well, thanks, I thought I looked smokin’ hot the other night, too….What’s that you say? Your cousin is having a keg party this Saturday night? Um, can I get back to you shortly? Yeah, I’ll call you back in uh… wait let me get my glasses….*quickly scans enclosed instruction manual*…… two to five minutes, ‘k? Thanks, darlin’. ”
Also, while it’s nice to know that that one can purchase this particular sundry in an economical bulk package, containing two or even three sticks of plastic and foam that will eventually be peed upon, what if the first one reveals that you are positively preggars? Can you take the other two back to the store for a refund? ‘Cause it’s not as if you’ll be needing them any time soon. ….I’m just saying.
July 2, 2008
These are the people in my neighborhood
So even before what she did this morning, I would have told you that my neighbor, Susie, is basically the living definition of a Fairfield County soccer mom. Long blonde ponytail, no make-up, Land’s End and Talbots all the way. She’s pretty. but kinda stocky, like you know she totally spent her teen years as a field hockey goalie at an all-girls private school. I’d say she’s in her early 40’s, although her husband looks decidedly younger; they have two very cute boys who are about 8 and 3. Susie never asked me to babysit, which I find vaguely insulting, because the older one plays soccer in my front yard at least twice a week, and the little one’s all-time favorite game is to ring my doorbell and then run away. So essentially, I’m already babysitting for them and just not getting paid for it.
But I digress. Anyway, Susie is pleasant enough, although I’d bet you a hundred bucks that she’d sooner run me over with her Range Rover than have a cup of coffee with me. You get the idea.
Anyway, if I did need confirmation of her Fairfield-County-ness, she knocked on my door at 8:45 this morning, all decked out in tennis whites (skirt, visor, the whole she-bang) and brandishing a bottle of red wine. She’d gotten the wine key stuck in the cork, and asked me to help her open it. Of course I said sure, no problem, but I had just fed the kitties and needed to wash my hands first, would she like to come in for a second? She mumbled something about why she couldn’t, and then she put the bottle down on my doorstep and went back across the street. I actually had to open the bottle of wine, put my slippers on, and walk across the street to deliver it to her…..as she stood there on her lawn, watching me do it.
Bitch didn’t even offer me a glass, either!
July 2, 2008
Hey, wanna hire my cat?
Mice problem, you say? Well, my Sadie is the best mouser in the tri state area. Although, I daresay she’s beyond mice at this point in her illustrious career. Sadie can not only kill a full-sized adult sparrow in mid-flight (with nary a drop of blood spilled, I might add) but she’s tactful enough to skip the whole sacrificial offering bit, instead handling the post-mortem dirty work herself as well.
How does she accomplish this feat, you might ask?
Sadie Mae Mouse Management, LLC: A reflection on the company’s history…..
Until the spring of 2004, Sadie was just an ordinary indoor-outdoor cat with amateur mousing skills. Then one day, she seemingly……..vanished into thin air. Upon her return approximately 22 hours later, I began to notice that there was something….different about her. Within a week, there were literally no other living creatures (weighing under 3 pounds) within a 500 yard radius of our home. She also began filing her own claws, suddenly developed a complete lack of need for the litter box, and I don’t know if this was just a coincidence, but my Tivo started to work again after the darn thing had been on the fritz for months. And…well, don’t think I’m crazy or anything, but she also began to read minds and pass through solid material…..like the door to my roommate’s bedroom, my underwear drawer, and the cabinet where we keep the garbage bags. Finally, I just flat out asked her about her mysterious disappearance. Sadie reluctantly, but with a gritty acceptance of her newly acquired destiny, admitted that she didn’t remember much, just that she suddenly knew how to do all these new things….and then she showed me the two tiny scars on the side of her neck. We think that might have something to do with the whole situation, but the lovely doctor from India who had initially offered to help us has not been returning our calls lately……
In any case, my Sadie is stealthy, accurate, discreet, and most of all, deadly…..but she doesn’t come cheap. Her daily rate is $50, which includes a maximum of 5 land kills (ie, mice or other rodents) or 3 air kills (ie, birds, bats, etc.) in a 24 hour period. Additional daily kills are charged at a non-negotiable flat rate of $20 each, regardless of species. She will, however, kill all insects free of charge, and um…..kittens….too. What can I say, she’s a malevolent bitch!
If this sounds feasible, please feel free to contact me.
–Sadie Mae Mouse Management, LLC.
PS–Sorry. She wanted me to remind you that she’s allergic to all synthetic fabric and that she ONLY eats Boar’s Head Low Sodium Honey Ham, which must be shredded by YOU, by HAND…..or may God have mercy on your soul.
